I’m 29 years old. I’ve got 2 degrees that at first glance are not related to anything usually considered artistic or creative. (BA in Poli Sci and an MPA in Int’l Development and Public Service, if it matters.)

What those degrees mean is that I am good at people, identifying and predicting social behaviors, and using that knowledge to design programs to improve and work towards a positive goal. So in one sense, I’ve been a designer for a long time, but not in a way that I even understood until very recently. I’m no stranger to writing intensive, intellectual works -whether it be grad papers or grant applications- for public critique and consideration, but I felt more informed and qualified to do it in those specific arenas where I was more familiar with the expected protocols for how to do so.

When it came to applying the same approach to my more ‘creative’ endeavors, I clammed up, shied away. Over time, it got worse. As did my anxiety at facing strong criticism about those things, because I felt like an amateur, a fraud, a fake. To some extent, those feelings are valid. There are many artists out there who have invested a lot of time, money, and energy into their passions. Occasionally busting out a doodle on the back of a meeting agenda does not make me an artist. I’ve been skating by on the drawing skills I picked up in high school and haven’t truly cultivated them since.

This year, and by that I really mean the past 2-3 months, I’ve been going through a personal metamorphosis to reconcile this inner dispute. I stepped down from an awesome job that I’ve had for 4 years (one that was actually fairly creative, but the nature of my work was less so than I liked). I’ve pushed myself to take more risks in couple different ways: investing in books and resources that I had put off because it wasn’t immediately relevant to my life at the moment and was expensive; accepting that I am, and may always be, in the middle of a learning process so perfection is not possible; understanding that creation is not just about the final product, it’s about the time commitment and dedication to learning how to be able to do that over and over again, gaining mastery of a craft; and the most difficult, letting go of my apprehension to be myself in public forums, whether digital or physical. It’s ok to be wrong, it’s ok to have created something that wasn’t great, so long as I am open to learn from it.

There has been a great imbalance between what I consume and what I contribute. I watch amazing films, tv shows, cartoons, anime, read graphic novels, internet comics, and listen to all sorts of music and comedy, yet I rarely share anything that I make. All of those things that I’ve experienced have shaped who I am and how I think. This is my year to correct that disparity and put stuff back out there that represents my own imaginary world views.

I’m still figuring out what my own creative process is, and narrowing in on what exactly I want to do, but just having let my guard down enough to put something in a public space again feels amazing.